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In place of sleep

Jeez. I haven't written in this thing in eight months.

Anyway.

Why am I here again?

Past midnight.

Because I have so much anger right now.

How angry?

I've been hitting my concrete wall for the better part of the last hour.

That angry.

The thing is, that anger isn't really warranted for a singular experience.

Sure, there are triggers.

But it's more of this lingering feelings of rejection, of being excluded, of always looking from the outside in.

I use "linger" here loosely.

This has "lingered" since I was a kid.



I could never shake it off.

Because the exclusion feels personal, even when it isn't.

Logically, when I think about it, I know that I shouldn't feel bad.

But the thing, my head doesn't necessarily follow what I feel.

And what I feel is worthless.

What I feel is insignificant.

Since high school, as a defense mechanism, I've tried to weave this narrative of myself as some tough, cold-hearted bitch.

But the truth is, I am not any…

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